where have all the real men gone?

Since I remember I've always been in a relationship. I like it. Never thought it could make me less independent or limit me in any way. 
Even to explain myself to someone ... still find it amazing having someone who's so interested enough that bothers to ask and demands answers. 

I've always been there, working out problems, believing good things don't come easy, waiting and trying to compromise my needs. Because relationship is a hard hard work, isn't it?

So tried so many times. Always ready for commitment. Hoping for this strong, reliable man who doesn't fear to embrace being with ... someone over emotional and occasionally hysterical, torn by PMS, wanting to be loved and lovable = a woman.

I woke up today and got to this inevitable conclusion they don't exist anymore or never have. Someones wild imagination created this image that was just massively copied in female heads.

1. puff 

You are just supposed to start watching some great film and get cosy on the couch. So you're ready waiting for your man who has to roll a joint, smoke it then drink few beers on top of it and fall asleep in 15 min from press-play-moment. Your best underwear doesn't matter, you may as well wear a sack. In fact don't forget to do that. Save laundry.

Add some puff and deduct 50% of brain. 

Whenever any man appeared to be sexy, witty, intelligent and sharp while being stoned???

Not only it kills even the best perfume, it leaves mental side effects like agitation - and isn't it a real man who's supposed to be patient? - and paranoia - he becomes hysterical when politely asked to stop throwing socks behind the TV while sitting on the couch.

Why would anyone not only stink but even decrease their IQ and libido just for the sake of smoke?

2. gambling

With the other one... you try to watch a film in the evening at home after work, after dinner. Everything's lovely. No one is stoned or drunk. Play and sudden sound of shuffling chips make you realise he just pulled out another laptop and started playing poker online while watching a film in between anger explosions whenever there's a bad hand.

Soon you know there are three of us living together; you, him and poker. It starts to be a habit to sit with both of them while eating dinner, talking, drinking coffee in bed in the morning... you wonder how does he manage having shower without it..?

3. Last minute proposal

I knew I seen his face in my dreams many times before... 

that was something! After first dates he switched like schizophrenics who run out of meds. And stayed like this for next two years. Being there but making sure I know he doesn't care. Even after moving in together, visiting parents every week, holiday trips, plans with his family.. still mentioned periodically 'you're my lover not my girlfriend'.
This magic moment last 2 years. Then you're free to decide. To see things the way they are. Chemistry evaporates and when you felt tormented just move on. 
Two days after moving out, just like schizo back on meds again, he appeared outside my dentists, waited for me and proposed...

Always thought engagement ring says; we are so happy together. I love you, can't live without you! Please just stay and die with, before or after me! Or else I will never love again because I always knew You are the One.
but what it really is; Seriously? You're leaving? I'm so scared to be alone so if you weren't bluffing here you are, I beg you stay!

4. erotomaniac

How much sex can you have in one day? if good as much as possible! But how much can he has??? Ladies follow your intuition and when you feel it just check browsing history to find out his hobby; porn chat every morning, every evening, every day, every week, every month. Only the fact he has to be at work protects him from himself. 

Is live video sex and phone sex with others betrayal?
"What you doing baby? Wanking with this tanned lady there on the screen? Ok, so hurry, wash your hands, dinner on the table in five min!"

5. modern headaches and backaches

Three times so far I heard from a man 'I've never been into sex before'.
Let's make it clear. It doesn't mean: Wow! he never enjoyed with anyone. Now he does because he thinks I'm special.
What it really is: I'm surprised I have so much sex at the moment. It's unnatural, not sure if I like it. Let's go back to my other hobbies: puffing, gambling, drinking...

No solution here. Even morning sex is overrated; backaches, stomach pains, tiredness, hangovers, bad mood run in male family.
...unless you go for nr 4.
Choosing the worse evil is the key to happy relationships. 

6. happily ever after...

So you think everything's going to be fine as long as you're honest and clear about what you want in life and if he says 'me too' - and they always do - just to buy some time, you just got yourself unavoidable happy ending. 
Perhaps it's naive but definitively simple:

relationship becomes

or next relationship 

or a family beginning 

both broken, loving or soon to be broken or as many wish forever existing but it's as rare as two together wanting same things in the same time.

If you want to have a family even just to.. not to be found dead after a year time, half eaten by your cat or to have someone to spend Christmas with...
regardless all your reasons, perhaps getting together with a female friend and choosing adoption is a better shot ;)
Time is passing and wrong decisions are costly. 

My favourites are: 

no money (most useful catchphrase)

have to quit puff first

too soon (he's only 38)

ok, I do it but no marriage (isn't then sperm bank more efficient?)

You may think that mentally I'm only ten and that's fine.
If so, is that true;
if you can't get what you like, you like what you get. ?